Through the Glass
by cagalli-chan
Summary: [One Shot] [KiraLacus] Seeing doesn't always mean believing. 'Sometimes I need to step back from life, admire or hate or get angry at it, and then dive back in.'


**Title**: Through the Glass  
**Pairing(s)**: Kira/Lacus  
**Genre**: Romance/Drama/Angst(?)/Introspection(?)  
**Rating**: K+  
**Spoilers**: none  
**Summary**: Seeing doesn't always mean believing.  
**Author's Notes**: I've been meaning to write a KiraLacus fic for awhile and this is what came up after about a month of work. Actually the first long fic I've written in awhile up in the 3,500-word range. Takes place post-SEED with no Destiny just to clarify things on that front. Don't be fooled by the genres; while I think it's more along the lines of a general romance others might interpret it differently which is the reason for the added genres with the question marks next to them. It has a happy ending so no worries on that part. There's a reference to a necklace Lacus wears in which the idea was taken from a doujin from what it was called eludes me as of this moment but just letting the readers know the idea wasn't mine. More than likely some of you K/L doujin owners will know what I'm talking about.  
**Disclaimer**: The characters used in this fic aren't mine. They belong to Sunrise, Bandai, and whatever other company has a say in their fate.

* * *

_I just think that sometimes it is less hard to wake up feeling lonely when you are alone than to wake up feeling lonely when you are with someone else. Some people would be better off alone, but they feel they've got to get hold of someone to prove they're worthwhile._

-Liv Ullman

* * *

It was a strange feeling, a cross between the presence of his hands around her waist and his breath against her neck, plus fear, anger, and confusion, all wrapped in a tense bundle. 

And it hurt her, almost.

Mostly it was worry, and maybe the intensity of his emotions were affecting her, but she needed to know why he had just left like that, why he had kept trying to close himself off when he didn't realize he was doing it.

What was wrong?

Everything had been so right.

Lacus crossed the street and followed the bright lights of downtown in her clothes: some jeans and a pale pink t-shirt. He was close; she could feel it. A question that kept bugging her was why he'd come here, in the middle of the noise and the crowd of the big city nightlife. Though Orb was never known for its buzzing night life since it was a country of 'peace and serenity' as Cagalli like to categorize the country it was lively enough to encourage nightly entertainment throughout the late nights and into the early mornings. Kira even admitted to himself that the peace and relative isolation of the orphanage would help him recover from everything that happened and hopefully sometime in the future gain some footing into getting back to a normal life.

She followed the sidewalk until a lightless niche caught her eye. She had to stop to catch her breath. Not literally of course, but she needed to think.

It was only a few months after the war had been over when Orb and the Earth Alliance agreed on a cease fire agreement. With the newly acquired peace Lacus decided on disappearing into obscurity with Kira and together they healed. The first few months had been tough considering the circumstances but eventually they got through it. Right after and at first it had only been a vague feeling that seemed to bond to the feeling they had just in thinking about the other. Like warm or cold or soft or bright, only so complex that it was undefinable. But then specific things occurred at the strangest times that started to hamper their relationship.

Like accepting each other. Kira had a problem accepting himself. That was what he learned from the nightmares that kept plaguing him at night and required her help to soothe them away. She told him that dreams that repeat themselves usually have some symbolism related to his life whether it was dealing with a problem, overcoming a tragedy, trying to forget something but your mind not allowing it to forget, or in his case all of the above.

Dreams, she thought idly, is what our sub-conscious tries to communicate what we normally cannot to ourselves, like a memory, as if telling us, 'You may want to forget but we won't let you.' One could argue that's the reason dreams are not so easy to remember even right after having the dream itself because the mind is fighting with the sub-conscious to relieve those memories from ever resurfacing as a self-defense mechanism of sorts.

Now, whether it was a good memory or a bad or an embarrassing that was remembered, the reaction wasn't what left you off-key, it was the feeling brought on by both Kira and herself as well. Sometimes it was hard but it didn't get worse, either. It was just an uncomfortable feeling that for some reason hindered their relationship from progressing any further.

And it even led to a conversation about Lacus' family. While she had a basic knowledge of Kira's family _history_ due to the data collected from the Mendel Colony and his accounts of Klueze's speech during Kira's investigation during the last days of the war, he had no knowledge of her family other than his father's high ranking political position within ZAFT. And that went without saying anything about her mother while died unexpectedly as it did her father, she thought while idly fingering the necklace underneath her t-shirt, it was her's that hit her a lot harder for the simple fact she was a lot closer to her mother.

That's why in the end she gave Kira her mother's ring. It was really the only real memento besides the necklace she always wore from her mother that was sacred to her. For her it was symbolic of both her willingness to move on with her life for the first time since her mother's death and at the same time signified that she wanted a relationship with the enigmatic amethyst-eyed teen.

What about her? Lacus realized. Had she become different? Was it both of them? Maybe an outside force...no, that was silly. It was something inside, something about how they were connecting so well so fast. Considering Kira's last and only relationship with Fllay always left her wondering if there was anything else left to salvage. But the subtle looks and touches and hugs and eventually kisses he gave her immediately crossed out that problem. He learned to accept for the most part that while Fllay might have loved him that in reality he didn't love her the way she wanted him to. That didn't make her death any easier on him but he eventually accepted the fact that that's the way things sometimes work.

She looked out onto the street, then up at the overcast night sky. It must have been nearing nine o'clock. Rain soon, perhaps?

He had just... backed up a step. Maybe it was too much time with the children trying to attend to their needs but she knew deep down inside that that wasn't the case. Lacus had panicked for a bit when she thought Kira was afraid of perhaps life after the war and trying to leave her alone but that had passed quickly. Yet now, what could she think? She could think about him. Because he needed her help, now more than ever, probably.

Lacus started to walk again. She could feel his 'presence' getting stronger.

It had manifested as a coldness. Not when he thought about it, realized what he was doing, but he kept- Well, it was like when you're really tired and keep making mistakes because you can't tell you're doing them. You catch a few, but the others, they hit with full effect and it sometimes made it known to the outside world especially close ones.

So he started talking a little less, and gradual distance separated them. Not when he could tell, no, those were the times just like always when they would be together because it felt good. And it had reached a point. Kira had just walked out. And now here he was. She was sure he was right by this corner. Somewhere near.

Glancing around she caught a figure in a dark blue jacket over a black shirt walking out of a store. That was him. Cookies! How dare he buy cookies without her!

"Kira," Lacus gasped, walking across the empty street of the quieter north-downtown shopping district.

He looked standoffish. Hard thing to do, look standoffish. Lacus opened her mouth to say something, but as the air flared up her nose it made her feel the way you do when water accidentally goes up your nostril. Her eyes started to tear.

"Shh..." Kira put his arm around her.

She was suddenly angry, an emotion she wasn't use to expressing. "Why did you leave like that? Where were you all day?"

He stayed calm, even as she stared daggers into his eyes with those glittering sky blue eyes. "Um...can I explain the whole thing instead?" He tried to give her something along the lines of a 'puppy-dog look' which he was quite proficient at in her opinion.

"Now," she ordered.

"Uh...can we sit?"

She gestured to a bench and they sat.

"Okay." Kira took a second, then turned to Lacus and appeared to gather his thoughts while looking at her eyes. "Okay," he repeated, "the whole thing was just me not having a chance to think about all these changes."

She inwardly grimaced. _'If you call _changes_ getting use to the fact that you were manipulated by a young grieving girl who eventually died by a crazed psychopath, forced to fight in a war that never wanted to be part of, fight your best friend to near death, find out you had a twin sister, and was the successful experiment of a genetic engineering project by your own parents for starters then I would have to agree.'_

"But-"

"Hey. Not that I haven't had time to think about them, more getting used to them. Or accepting them. Or something." Kira suddenly had a pensive look on his face. "Sometimes I need to step back from life, admire or hate or get angry at it, and then dive back in."

He suddenly turned to her. "What time in the last couple of months have you had to yourself?" He looked serious. "I mean, away from taking care of the orphans, away from me, away from your life."

Lacus looked away. "I don't need time, though..." She didn't sound very confident.

"Yes, you do," he said solemnly. "Don't even try to fool me for a second." He laughed suddenly but it lacked the usual humor when he did. "Sometimes, I don't think you give me enough credit. Did you seriously think I didn't notice while you seem content living the peaceful life that we live in right now you sometimes miss being on stage, miss singing words of inspiration to people that possibly have lost all sense of hope, miss being someone who could influence a person's reflection with a kind look and an honest smile."

Kira looked at her to find her look to be one of honest surprise and disbelief and this time laughed an honest laugh that sent silent shivers up and down her body. "Even though you might have been forced into the pop idol role by your upbringing and namesake you nevertheless liked being someone important to people. Now that's not saying that you craved the attention," he said when he saw her open her mouth in possible protest, "but you can't deny the prospect of being…needed for a lack of a better word makes you feel important. I can remember all the children requesting you sing and the joy they experience when you finally agree. You have such a calming air around you that it's an asset that should be expressed whenever you want, not when it should."

"Also, believe me when I say despite all the reassurances that sometimes I don't think I deserve someone like you." His eyes lost focus as he reminisced into the past…

_

* * *

_

_He remembered watching her from afar one night._

_It was one of those nights romantic couples dream about in their honeymoons: a full moon shinning brightly with no clouds in sight, a gentle breeze enough to feel the cool air on your face, the quietness of the atmosphere perfect to reflect on all things good. It was perfect._

_And in that perfect night, moonlight shinning through, he watched her._

_And looking at her he knows she was meant for something more than waiting for him._

_He should let her live her dreams, right? He _should_ just cut all ties and let her live the life she was meant to live before she gets all messed up in his. She deserves better than the things he can give her. The worry has been in the back of his mind for months now._

_He…loves her._

_She is his support, his calm, his sanity…his life. _

_He _needs_ her. _

_But he hates the thought of her giving up her dreams—her life—for him. That wasn't the way that things were supposed to be._

_Despite all that he cannot help but be selfish in letting her stay here whether it is her decision or not because he wants to keep her all to himself. To have her sit with him when words aren't needed, to hold him when it is needed, to have her be with him as long as he needs to, all that he ever wants._

_He comes by the bed, sitting down gently on the mattress with little disturbance as to not wake her. She starts to unsettle but a quick touch of his fingertips on her brow and before long she is sleeping peacefully again all while leaning towards his touch._

_He always wondered one thing that both comforts and scares him: that perhaps as much as he needs her she probably needs him_ more. _He has never been the receiving end of someone's salvation except in times of battle where guns and swords are needed so this type of protection where hugs and words is new to him._

_It does not mean it will not stop him from trying._

I promise one day_, he tells himself silently while moving a stray lock of hair behind her ear_, the man you see and the man I am right now will one day meet and hopefully you think I'm worth all the wait and pain and tears.

_He gets up and walks towards the door stopping for a moment to take one last look at her, burning every detail of her into his memory, drinking her in as if perhaps she might disappear the next morning like a feather lost in the wind because one day it might just be his last._

…because you are.

* * *

"Lacus." He looked her in the eyes. "Most of the time when someone does this they don't even realize it. I think humans need it. Now, whether it's me going out towards the noise I'm sort of accustomed to or you reliving your passion, it doesn't matter. But I kept messing up- my subconscious kept trying to get me away for some reason, and when I figured that out I decided to listen to it as soon as possible so I could come back and not have to worry about myself and our relationship and everything trying to fall apart for the sake of my mental health." 

He gestured to the city around him. "I took a walk. I don't know why it helped, but it did. And I was gonna bring you cookies! Look!" He held them out and she snatched the little bag. Inside were two enormous, warm, gooey, scrumptious-looking chocolate chip cookies. She was always a cookie fiend. It was one of her secret vices that helped calm her down. She broke one and gave half to Kira.

Chewing on a corner, she asked, "Are you sure you're okay now?"

"Yup," he answered cheerfully.

"Good. But you worried me. I was afraid. I cried."

He bit his lip. "I didn't want to make you cry. I wasn't thinking too straight. Weird. Maybe my brain had to adjust or something so I could function. I'm sorry..."

"Don't say you're sorry. You should be, certainly, but you don't have to apologize if you didn't get up and leave because if you love me I know-" Kira interrupted her with a warm chocolate kiss.

"Mmmm..."

He pulled back and looked at her seriously. "I do love you."

She raised one hand to his check. "Love isn't supposed to be painful."

His eyes closed at her touch. "It isn't. People are." She could read the underlying comment of him about to say himself but he knew she wouldn't allow him to degrade himself like that. "I should have told you-"

"And my feelings might have been hurt that you needed to get away from me."

"You wouldn't have cried."

"It would have been negative."

"This wasn't?"

"This we can blame on a moment of temporary clarity. Or insanity." She grinned suddenly. "And insanity." He grinned back, the mood light again.

They sat together in silence for a minute. Lacus looked up at Kira and said, "This feels like a good ending to something bad. And that something bad doesn't feel so bad."

"What happened, again?"

"Was that rhetorical or sarcastic?"

"Serious." A pause. "And confused."

Lacus closed her eyes in thought. "I think you needed some time alone. And that need caused a distance, until you actually went and... what's the word..."

"Fulfilled it?"

"Yeah, and I got all insecure and worried until I went out and found you and understood things. And that's where we are." She sighed.

"Why..." he trailed off.

"Yeah?" She felt that he hadn't wanted to finish it as soon as she asked.

He let out a sigh. "Never mind."

She usually would have pried more but they just both went through an emotional interrogation and it could wait another day.

"It's late, isn't it?"

"Nine."

"Nn." Lacus leaned into his shoulder and closed her eyes. The wind whispered down the street, blowing some old newspaper around. There was a little tree right next to the bench. Lacus watched the scenery and looked up from his shoulder to see his sights on something else. His focus kept changing from the sky to the busy nightlife to a point out in the landscape which he could only see.

"Whatcha thinkin' 'bout?" she asked tiredly.

"Hm? Just the future in general and where it's going to take us."

She didn't know why but she giggled quietly. "You don't have faith in our future, huh? You won't even show it to yourself."

"So how...look. I mean listen. I mean-"

A picture burst into her head, of herself. It was in the bedroom, and everything was black except for her above Kira. She was looking down at him. She thought he was asleep. His eyelids were open just the barest slight crack, though. And her eyes were afraid. They were scared of something, but emotion seemed to flow out of them as she caressed Kira's cheek. Then the memory bent down and kissed Kira's lips, wrapping her arms tightly around his chest before falling asleep.

The eyes were what stuck in Lacus' mind, though. That point right between fear and peace, or fear and relief, or fear and something that seemed to convey a sense of trust and to her that meant a lot.

Lacus hugged Kira and said to him, "Let's go home."

* * *

They arrived home to a quiet house which was while not unusual was quite rare considering the house full of children. Keeping one hand at the small of her back Kira gently guided her to her room. It had been a long day and they both needed their rest. 

"Kira-san? Lacus-san?"

They both looked down the hallway to see Celeste, one of the orphans staying at the house, up and awake looking at them in a manner one could only call precariousness.

"Is something wrong?" Kira asked while looking down at the girl in obvious concern.

The young girl fidgeted, looking down while playing with the ends of her over-sized t-shirt. While obviously being the concerned and curious child she was she knew enough from her upbringing to not ask rude questions or pry into matters not concerning her. But it was obvious to both Kira and Lacus whatever the problem was apparently bothering her greatly.

Kneeling down Kira gently took her by the chin and forced her to look at him. "It's okay. What is it?"

"Well, I was wondering if you two were okay?" she finally asked, stepping forward and wringing her hands nervously together. Normally he would tell her everything was fine but he heard the inflection of what she said 'okay' in and realized she knew more than people let on. Kira could feel her imploring and eager for an explanation that was suitable for her young mind to comprehend.

"Listen, despite whatever you might _see_ from us trust me when I say everything is going to be okay," Kira said in a soothing tone hoping to alleviate any fears she might have.

"Promise?" she asked in a hopeful tone of voice.

Kira hugged the young girl to him, resting his chin on her head. His next words though answered the girl's query were also directed towards the pink-haired angel in front of him answering the unasked question in her eyes as well.

"I promise."

_end_


End file.
